6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
thanks auntie mary
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I wish I could veto my bills.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.