keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
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[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial