Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
some Old Testament wisdom
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom