Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
You Might Also Like
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.