People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast