Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
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Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
become ungovernable
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The little toadstool has spoken.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??