Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre