1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
You Might Also Like
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?