Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
You Might Also Like
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”