Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
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How it started: How it’s going:
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.