Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
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band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.