me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
relationship goals
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass