Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Worst bar ever.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”