That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
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made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog