fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
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thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
a god among men
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.