Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.