Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness