I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.