me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*