Is this a threat?
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once