Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
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Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫