No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
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[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26