any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer