Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Best table by far
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to