I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
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A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Well well well…
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.