went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Don’t talk down to me
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!