me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Every work call, he judges.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
become ungovernable
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.