Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Pickled cat.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.