AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident