Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?