Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!