*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.