. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
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I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.