I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.