“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.