Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
man: wait
time: no
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?