I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
You Might Also Like
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Bless you
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’