4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.