If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one鈥檚 around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn鈥檛 control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Basketball
Don鈥檛 tell me how to live my life, box.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 馃檮
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I am also baked goods
Hi, I鈥檓 Amanda and I stew on things that could鈥檝e been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year