I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Why am I like this?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.