Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Peace was never an option
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.