Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Shower sex be like:
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already