What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time