Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
inventing words: clothing
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal