I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.