[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
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new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
sigh
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon