I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You Might Also Like
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
j o i m p
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My what?
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
My sex drive has a dui