If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
moms in horror movies
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.