Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
You Might Also Like
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
rapatouille
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.