How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Go girl power!
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me buying fruit and veg
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.